Ladies and gentlemen, gather around and witness the extraordinary tale of a man who defied all odds, showcasing an unparalleled combination of low self-esteem, feeble intellect, and a mysteriously missing academic record. Yes, prepare yourselves for the grand finale of a leader whose legacy will forever be etched in the annals of Nigeria’s history, a “tribute” to this remarkable character… General Officer Commanding za ahza room.
Once upon a time in Nigeria, a military man emerged from the shadows, bringing with him an astonishing lack of confidence and an intellectual capacity that could rival an empty tin can. Legend has it that his secondary school records vanished into thin air, as if they were ashamed to be associated with such mediocrity. But fear not, for he had a brilliant plan to prove his worth – he went to court!
Oh, the brilliance of this man’s strategy! While others would present their certificates with pride, he knew that the courtroom drama would be far more entertaining. His military colleagues, those who had mistakenly elevated him to the position of head of state, must have realised their blunder when then, they saw what the rest of us could not see for a staggering 40 years. Alas, the scales fell from their eyes, and they promptly bid him farewell, eager to distance themselves from their own folly.
But wait, dear friends, for our story does not end there. Our protagonist, a master of reinvention, embarked on a journey of packaging and repackaging, branding and rebranding. Once upon a despot was ushered in as born-again democratic damsel. We were swindled big time. “One Chance! As we de talk am at and in “Eko ni gbaje. ” Like a snake shedding its old skin, he emerged as a leader, ready to misguide Nigeria through eight grueling years of unparalleled chaos. Blood was spilled, sweat poured, tears flowed, and hunger persisted, all under the watchful gaze of this extraordinary embodiment of horror and terror.
Can you fathom the depths of his accomplishments? In those tumultuous years, he managed to weave a tapestry of agony and despair, leaving no stone unturned. In his quest for turmoil he never miss opportunities to miss opportunities. The nation marvels at the magnificent display of mismanagement and the uncanny ability to transform prosperity into destitution.
But fear not, for the curtain is about to fall on this remarkable chapter. In a matter of hours, our hero will bid adieu to the seat of power, leaving behind a legacy that will forever be remembered in the hearts of the people. Let us raise our glasses (chai! Who give monkey banana sef?!) to this man, for his unparalleled dedication to leaving no stone unturned in his pursuit of, well, nothing.
Oh, how we shall miss those moments of uncertainty, the endless queues for basic necessities, and the exquisite symphony of corruption that played like a sweet melody in the background. Farewell, dear weak and wicked despot, for your reign shall be forever etched in the history books, a stark reminder that sometimes, just sometimes, the most unexpected individuals can rise to heights they were never meant to reach.
So much for the prose. Let’s sing a song and/or recite a poem… “In Laila ta qiya… a koma masha”
In the realm of public service, a noble pretender arose,
Proclaiming himself a champion, a foe of corruption’s throes.
With grand gestures and lofty speeches, he played his part,
But behind the curtain, a different story would start.
Oh, he preached selflessness, vowing to serve with pure intent,
Yet the public treasury became a family inheritance, to his content.
Wide open it stood, welcoming his kin with open arms,
While the common folk struggled, entangled in poverty’s harms and charms.
His immediate family, oh, how they feasted and revelled,
While the rest of us laboured, our dreams forever disheveled.
The public coffers were their playground, a treasure trove so vast,
As they amassed fortunes, our hopes shattered like broken glass.
He paraded as an anti-corruption czar, righteous and just,
But his actions spoke louder, betraying the trust we placed in him.
For the wealth flowed freely, directed to his own bloodline,
Leaving the masses disillusioned, trapped in a web of decline.
Oh, the irony of it all, the hypocrisy so profound,
As he posed for photo ops, wearing a virtue-laden crown.
His words echoed with emptiness, hollow and void,
While his family’s coffers overflowed, unbridled and unalloyed.
But fear not, dear citizens, for pen shall be our weapon,
To expose the facade, the greed and the pride.
In this realm of twisted tales and hidden schemes,
We’ll uncover the truth, illuminating darkened seams.
“The Noble Pretender” we shall call him, this man of false grace,
Whose selfless service was but a mask, a deceitful embrace.
May this satirical exposé serve as a wake-up call,
To hold those in power accountable, standing tall.
For the treasury belongs to the people, not to a chosen few,
Let us reclaim our nation, for me and for you.
And may the day come when true leaders will arise,
Guided by integrity and compassion, under clear skies.
A reminder to be vigilant, to question and unveil.
So let us join together, in unity we stand,
To forge a future where justice and fairness expand.
And so, as we bid adieu to this enigmatic figure, let us remember that the tale of Nigeria’s past is a tapestry woven with both tragedy and comedy. May we learn from the mistakes of our past and strive for a future that is brighter, wiser, and devoid of leaders who prove their worth in media hype and subliminal marketing, instead of showcasing their achievements through tangible accomplishments.
Mr Mundadu writes from Kaduna