A fortnight ago, President Tinubu did the unthinkable, whatever made him do it. The timing was inauspicious; the occasion was not Independence Day, Eid or Christmas. Just one day, the president chose to invoke his power under the Prerogative of Mercy to grant pardon to convicted murderers, those doing drugs, robbers and kidnappers and illegal miners. It was like he was daring the heavens to come down. And they did. And the president took fright and quickly announced he was going to “review” the pardons. Blowing hot and cold, all at once!
The President’s clemency list is unusually long. This is the number one problem. Altogether, there are over 170 that have had their jail terms commuted: over 40 drug dealers had their jail terms reduced, 10 received posthumous death sentence pardon. And one, a woman – that’s the very controversial one – had been convicted of murdering her husband in his sleep and sentenced to death. Her case sneaked through the high court, the Court of Appeal and finally the Supreme Court, the latter affirming the death sentence. Those opposed to pardon for Maryam Sanda suspect money and politics might have influenced her case. They argue that pardoning her has ridiculed the justice system and battered the integrity of all judicial officers who decided the matter. They are right. As for the clemenced drug convicts, the message couldn’t have been any clearer: go and continue to do drugs. Dadadadaa. Same for those convicted for illegal mining.
I imagine Tinubu would say, yes, I’m commuting the sentences of convicted illicit drug pushers because they’re deserve it. Saw what I did in Lagos when I was governor? To take them off the streets, I placed them on the government’s payroll. It meant they had money to go and blow the stuff. They stopped harassing housewives and young ladies. The streets became safer after all. Now, I know what I’m doing. You people say I’m borrowing too much. How about allowing the convicted druggers back in business so the government can tax their earnings, which amount to much in dollars? Again, you know I’m up for reelection in two years’ time. Their money will help finance my campaign and I won’t have to touch taxpayers’s money!
Another thing. Our correctional facilities [prisons] are bursting at the seams. The frequency of violent jailbreaks, as you know, is frightening. The young men and women whose jail terms I’m commuting will help decongest the facilities, which means prison officials will sleep better. Isn’t this good for the country? And the woman whose death sentence I’ve reduced, it is because her two children need motherly care. I want them brought up properly to be good citizens when they grow up. Furthermore, I’ll make her my ambassador plenipotentiary to housewives to tell them to never attempt to kill their spouses, no matter what. Let them, like Jesus, turn the other cheek if one is smacked. I’m certain husband battery will stop, and so will family murders. See, I’m being imaginative and inventive. Surely, this is good for our country! Or what do you think? No, don’t think; just accept my innovation. Some say what I’m doing is madness. They don’t understand now, but they’ll sooner than later, I’m sure.
As to the question whether Tinubu isn’t turning Nigeria to a nation of criminals, I imagine him to remind us that the country already has been called several unpleasant names, from the “most corrupt nation in the world” to the “world’s capital of poverty” and the most politically inept. Another invective won’t make us any worse. Remember the story of Robin Hood? He ruled the underworld and managed to establish order and security. I will be the modern Robin Hood. Twisted logic, you say? No, straight reasoning. Criminals don’t rob or steal from their kind. They have their own system of law and order and they respect their leader. Nigeria is what it is today because the so-called clean citizens do even worse things than real criminals. Ministers forge certificates and steal from the treasury, men of God sleep with church members’s wives and buy airplanes with church takings. Under my watch, as they say, such nonsense will not happen. Our country will be cleaner and safer. I’m not mad but sensible; trust me.
Sure, in thee we trust to make Nigeria Great Again [NAGA].
